FailForward @FailForward@social.cleverlibre.org

@cassidyjames Something else: **annoyance**

# Social interactions in (my current corner of) Fediverse as a set of interlocked Karpman triangles

Observing the fragment of the Fediverse where I landed upon my inception into this space about a month ago, it's clear [Karpman's drama triangles](https://qoto.org/@FailForward/105669534659307620) are the driving force of its dynamics.

There are obvious triangles being played out here: Right-wingers (persecutors) vs. LGBT crowd (victims) plus all the techies on top (rescuers). Men (persecutors) vs. Feminists (victims shifting to persecutors) with (Feminist?) Men/techies as rescuers(?). This deserves a deeper analysis in its own right.

And around all that a vast crowd of instigators, impostors, cheerleaders and fans with a small minority of mostly eloquent introverts deeply interested in endless intellectual discussions with the other crowds. Fun.

Plenty of artificially induced drama (let's start morning with a dig into a beef I hold!), lot of tactical shifts in the triangles, little empathy. Ingredients for plenty of everyday fun.

I am not criticising it, some parts of it I even enjoy. Probably because I am slowly discovering how my life role is that of a rescuer - enabler of codependent pathological behaviours in others. Stuff to work on...

# Productive escapes from drama triangles (reading notes cont.)

[Karpman drama triangle](https://qoto.org/@FailForward/105669534659307620) is a useful way to analyse conflicts and pathological dramas in interactions, specifically in families and relationship breakdowns.

> In 1990, Acey Choy M.Ed., PTSTA, introduced the Winning Triangle in the Transactional Analysis Journal as the antithesis of the Karpman Triangle

<img src="https://bpdfamily.com/sites/all/themes/theme875/images/winner-triangle.png" width="100%"/> (image src: https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle)

Advancement of that was The Empowerment Dynamic. (Good start is [Wikipedia](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karpman_drama_triangle#Therapeutic_models)).

They present it as a inverted Karpman triangle with proposed escape routes/shifts for each role:
- _Victim --> Creator_ – victims shall move are encouraged to be outcome-oriented as opposed to problem-oriented and take responsibility for choosing their response to life challenges.
- _Persecutor --> Challenger_ – a person that forces the creator to clarify his or her needs, and focus on their learning and growth.
- _Rescuer --> Coach_ – The key difference between a rescuer and a coach is that the coach sees the creator as capable of making choices and of solving his or her own problems.

This is a vey useful way to analyse the situation and shed light on the pathologies involved. Some therapists use it. I find it very elightening. Especially (again), that rescuer shift. To me, it means a hands-off approach to life: we are adults, you say what you need to say, I do the same, we see whether we meet in the middle, if yes, great, if not, no problem too, bye. It's a somewhat cold, yet rather healthy way of dealing with independent interactions.

## Note on symathy vs. empathy vs. compassion

The remark on "independent" reminded me of the way the distinction is presented in the picture:

<img src="https://storage.gra.cloud.ovh.net/v1/AUTH_011f6e315d3744d498d93f6fa0d9b5ee/qotoorg/media_attachments/files/105/578/915/054/582/668/original/bbdb3506a633dd0d.jpeg" width="100%"/>

(c.f., [here](https://qoto.org/@FailForward/105578915682690101.) for a link to the original source)

The way it's formulated, the sympathy box is a good match for victims (especially when they are in a group), while the compassion box is a good match for rescuers. The healthy way is the way of empathy: independent.

# Karpman drama triangle (reading notes)

> Karpman's triangle is a simple tool for conceptualizing the dynamics of dysfunctional roles in conflict and for mapping the role changes as the conflict grows.

This is a very simple and visual tool which, if you saw this played out before (everybody did, but some do not realise it), you immediately recognise what it is about.

<img src="https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/9/98/Karpman_Triangle.png" width="100%"/>

Start of reading and resources: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karpman_drama_triangle
Another very good resource: https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

## Karpman Drama Triangles - Pathological Conflict

(summary extracts)

> Karpman observed that in conflict and drama, there is "good guy vs bad guy" thinking. He also observed that the participants become drawn in, even seduced, by the energy that the drama generates. **The drama obscures the real issues.*** Confusion and upset escalates. Solutions are no longer the focus.

> Karpman defined three roles in the "transaction"; Persecutor, Rescuer (the one up positions) and Victim (one down position).

- **The victim** is not an actual victim, but rather someone _feeling or acting like a victim_. Even though the victim is actually acting, nonetheless, the victim sincerely feels victimized, oppressed, helpless, hopeless, powerless, ashamed, and seems unable to make decisions, solve problems, take pleasure in life, or achieve insight. _The victim's stance is "Poor me!"_
- **The Persecutor** is controlling, blaming, critical, oppressive, angry, authoritative, rigid, and superior - self righteous. _The persecutor insists, "It's all your fault."_
- **The Rescuer** is a classic enabler. _The rescuer feels guilty if he/she doesn't rescue._ Yet his/her rescuing has negative effects: it keeps the victim dependent and gives the victim permission to fail. It also keeps the rescuer stuck in focusing energy on someone else's problems, not solving his/her own. _The rescuer's line is "Let me help you."_

> Drama triangles form when participants who are predispositioned to adopt the roles of a drama triangle come together over an issue.

## Motives

The roles of a victim and persecutor (whether existent, or not) are rather obvious:

> The _victim_ starts or catalyzes the formation of the drama triangle. The _victim_, if not being "persecuted", will seek out a _persecutor_ and also a _rescuer_ who will "save" the day but also perpetuate the _victim_ 's negative feelings. Any time that we don’t take responsibility for our feelings and make ourselves out to be a victim, we are setting the stage for a drama triangle to form, and failure.

Now the role of a rescuer is an intriguing one:

> The actions of the _rescuer_ are often pivotal and tend to drive the conflict intensity level by how aggressively they respond. The motivations of the _rescuer_ are the least obvious...In the terms of the drama triangle, the _rescuer_ is someone who has a mixed motive and is actually benefiting in some way for being _"the one who rescues"_.

This is intriguing stuff. Note to self: explore more of the rescuer hidden dynamics. The surface is clear.

## Escape

Diagnosing many conflicts around is often relatively straightforward. There are of course more complex cases (such as in movies, or family dynamics, etc.), but most cases could be relatively well analysed.

Now the interesting question is how to get out of this.

They identify two strategies:
> 1. **Move to the center.** Stop participating as a _victim, rescuer_ or _persecutor._ Instead, find and hold a center position. The center of the drama triangle contains elements of each corner - it is a combination of sensitivity, compassion, and responsibility - with a solutions focus, even if the solution is retreat.
> 2. **Refuse to accept your opponent's force.** Do not struggle with the other participants in the triangle, or yield to them. Instead, make a counter move with one opponent that allows them to fully take an awkward, indefensible, or unreasonable position. If you have successfully taken the center, your opponent will back off, rather than unmasking themselves and their exaggerated role.

These are both very useful strategies. Both are bold and firm. In a way, this very much reminds me of [Aikido philosophy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aikido#Etymology_and_basic_philosophy):

> _aiki_ refers to the martial arts principle or tactic of blending with an attacker's movements for the purpose of controlling their actions with minimal effort. One applies _aiki_ by understanding the rhythm and intent of the attacker to find the optimal position and timing to apply a counter-technique.

## Preventing triangle formation

Useful once you know how this stuff works. But the first few times, we tend to fall into drama triangles head-first with very damaging consequences.

> * **Refuse to be Superior or Inferior**: To break the dynamic of superior/inferior requires us to learn to accept differences and similarities between ourselves and others as neither good nor bad.
> * **Stop The Poor Me Game. Stop Being a Victim** In order to stop being a _victim_, we will have to be willing to accept the actual circumstances of our relationship with the other person.
> * **Stop The Blame Game. Don't be a Persecutor** It also means we will take responsibility for how we act and feel around the other person without taking the attitude that the other person is controlling our feelings or actions.
> * **Stop Fixing the other person. Don't be a Rescuer** Giving up rescuing the other person is an action, not a discussion. It isn’t something to announce to the other person. It isn’t something to negotiate with the other person. It isn’t something to threaten the other person with. It is all action.

@sergeant@mstdn.social
Element/Matrix self hosted server for the work team. Privately WhatsApp because I don't move my network.
@reay

@Trojaner

Just to add to the collection.

@viennawriter

@trinsec Obviously the message did not arrive to the general public yet. Bloody mainstream media!

@FailForward Note to self: check out [Oddmuse](https://oddmuse.org/). Could be actually a good solution for my objective.

# COVID fatigue and π factor

These months whether I am walking the dog and meeting fellow dog walkers, speaking to family and acquaintances on the phone, or reading news, I hear how people are tired of Corona lockdowns, they are fed up, depressed and so on.

In a conversation with a neighbour while walking my dog this morning this popped up again. She said: "I always hope it will end soon. Like next month or so. And then I am disappointed. Again. And again."

Inspecting my own feelings, I feel nothing of that. Not that I am cheering this mess, but my life feels kind of normal - in this specific respect. Partly it's due to engaging in remote-since-ever environment, partly because my social life does not depend on things coming to me, but me seeking them out. Still, why I don't feel the same about lockdowns and all that?

And then I realised that part of the problem is that naive optimism of my neighbour. She "overexpects" and the world "underdelivers". Not that it's too different for me, but there is a slight, yet important difference: _As an engineer, I am acutely aware of the world being a notorious under-deliverer._

Especially in the art of [software development velocity estimations](https://www.joelonsoftware.com/2007/10/26/evidence-based-scheduling/), we are deeply aware of the existence of the (hidden?) π factor (e.g., [here](https://strom.wordpress.com/2008/03/26/multiply-by-pi/)):
1. whenever an engineer provides an estimate, to arrive at a more realistic figure, multiply by π=3.14...
2. apply rule 1 even if the engineer claims he/she already used the π factor.

In effect, whenever somebody tells you that this COVID pandemic will be over in 1 year from now, use the π multiplier. Since the beginning of this situation, it was clear to me that _we are in this for a long-haul_. Better to get to terms with the new life style, then being constantly disappointed and perhaps even depressed.

My thoughts are with all the people who have it tough these months. Especially the lonely ones out there.

P.S.
Reality check: in December'20 I finally delivered a project which was originally planned for 18 months. The real devel time was almost exactly 5 years. There goes 3.33! Well, let's better not speak about the deep black hole in the budget we dug up along the way :-).

# BANDABARDO' Ubriaco canta amore

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0PpebpR9mLk

Good morning track.

<iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/0PpebpR9mLk" frameborder="0" allow="accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen></iframe>

#music

@rjayasinghe Du kannst es haben. Check one of these: https://duckduckgo.com/?q=laying+down+desk&ia=images&iax=images

@Zoohouse Thanks a lot for the pointer. No, I never looked to closely. Very interesting. I am learning.

@academicalnerd

## Dev velocity advice: raise your standards for one-off scripts just slightly and lower those for production-level code

Overoptimizing a one-off script: optimising for performance, elegance, maintainability, standards-compliance, etc. is most of the time indeed a waste of your time in this case. Optimising for **_legibility_** is never a waste of time. Reason is that typically (and you can never predict) if something works well, you will eventually get back to it. You don't want to waste time of your future self. Be nice to that person, it pays off.

Why exactly do you want to stop overoptimising? Because it slows and bogs you down. It's primarily about devel velocity. The goal in your situation thus could be to use the _cheapest_ lessons and personal standards from writing production-level code and carefully apply them to your one-off code. Over time you raise the level of your one-off code quality significantly, while not sacrificing your devel velocity. What we speak about in reality is typically this: short, to-the-point and strategically placed comments, simple readable structures instead of smart and fancy, stuff which works together shall be placed close together, etc. Over time you might realise that actually this is most of the time enough for production-level code too.

Unsolicited advice from far beyond the hill you are walking up to. I like these daily notes from your journey. Keep going!

@Zoohouse you can always go and visit the public timeline of any instance in your browser.

As for web app interface, remote timeline seems to be implemention specific. At qoto.org it is possible (and useful!). Obviously also in some of the front ends to pleroma. C.f. links from discussion starting here: https://roadtoad.social/objects/4b4833b0-153e-423c-9d5e-6761f74390ae