I s'pose that frustration will kind of be my constant for now on.

tl;dr: I knew it, but I had to say it.

I can barely live with myself and the high expectations I do have for me and the poor performance my life has been so far. Chronic procrastination had become a way of life as if ignoring my problems they will vanish themselves; a situation I'm aware enough to understand as wrong but I still fail to solve.

I don't blame the world. I don't recognize any agency in the universe or any external situation that I could blame. Fate? Fate barely as a descriptive state of the affairs not as something that was written. I have felt inadequate to what people expect from me, my family, my friends, my school mates and coworkers. And yet no blame. I can't blame myself for the cards live have me, neither can I blame life, or the universe, or some god, for handling me those cards.

And a great deal of this frustration is sexual in nature. I think I need someone to be vulnerable to. Someone I can surrender to, and feel protected. Someone that will embrace me with her skin. Someone I can humble myself as this little perv I am.

Also someone who can be vulnerable infront of me, who surrenders herself to me, so I can embrace her, and protect her in my arms, and for this little while, while we are making love, or just having sex, only we both matter to each other.

I haven't shared this physically with anyone in the last 34 months, nearly 35. I haven't shared this with anybody except the woman I once married and I once believed I loved. The woman I share a flat with, two teenage kids and three cats, but no intimacy and no physicality.

And I'm stuck. Too much a baggage to bring into any new relationship. I don't have much to offer to any possible new partner. Fear of rejection. Fear of not being enough. Fear of being a fraud. Fear of failing.

I'm probably too wrong in what to expect. Sharing being vulnerable? Who thinks like that? Probably not even me.

But I don't know shit. I don't even know how to flirt. I don't know how to pick. I don't know how to reach. And, probably, I don't even know who to reach.