Feeling some feminist feelings re: today's verdict in the Proud Boys trial.

Zach Rehl, one of the PBs convicted of sedition, headed up the chapter that terrorized me, my building, and my neighborhood as retaliation for my research.

For years, people gaslit me about it.

The first time the Proud Boys paid me a house visit, some accused me of being a hysterical woman who made it all up.

Others suggested I was some brunch-eating lib lady too blithely privileged to have known this was a possibility.

Both were false, both were sexist.

Cops told me the repeated, escalating threats were no big deal.

Meanwhile, Rehl's Proud Boy chapter taunted me. They held a recruitment event at a cop-owned bar around the corner.

They called a rally at the park caddy-corner to my home.

Whenever I named the harassment, keyboard "leftists" (almost always men) came out of the digital woodwork to accuse me of "centering" myself.

As if naming their intense, violent, and misogynistic behavior towards me somehow detracted from the project of opposing them.

Probably the best example of this was the park rally.

When those keyboard accusers mocked me for supposedly imagining the rally was targeting me, THE PROUD BOYS THEMSELVES issued a clarifying statement explaining that yeah, actually, I was the intended target.

The Proud Boys didn't show to the park that day, but they did show up in front of my home, conspicuously making laps over and over again with a visible firearm.

When I took video of them on their umpteenth lap, they turned to the camera to say, "hi, Gwen."

In their national chat, Proud Boys speculated that my "problem" was being underfucked.

They challenged each other to take one for the team and rape me.

They made "Megan's Law" flyers with my address and photo (falsely) accusing me of being a convicted pedophile.

Violent misogyny isn't incidental to the far right ethos.

It is CENTRAL.

And yet at every turn, women who name the far right's violent rage are accused of "centering" ourselves, of being unserious divas who are trying to pull focus to gain attention.

When we name their misogyny, we are subjected to more misogyny.

When we name the violence they unleash on us as women-- BECAUSE we are women-- we are accused of being unserious and attention-thirsty, of selfishly trivializing the threat they pose.

No.

They hate women, most especially women that challenge them.

They actively work to terrify us, to get us raped and/or murdered.

Any time I leave my home, I know that there is a possibility that today is the day someone makes good on the threats.

I carry this with me as a researcher and as a mother, a position that renders me socially and physically vulnerable.

It's a lot harder to move away quickly from a guy in a suspicious hoodie when your toddler has decided her legs are suddenly spaghetti.

The day I tested positive for my pregnancy, we were contemplating going into hiding for the month.

Post-1/6 threats from Nazis had reached such a fever pitch, we didn't feel safe at home.

There were angry knocks at the door downstairs. They'd photoshopped my head on a meathook.

As much as I oppose the carceral state, there is something validating about seeing Proud Boys facing actual consequences.

At the same time, though, I'm angry.

Their violence and threats against vulnerable people weren't ever treated as worthy of attention.

It wasn't until they bruised some cops that anyone really seemed to care.

In fact, those of us who were vulnerable and named their violence were punished.

Punished not just by the Proud Boys, but by those who endlessly mocked and belittled us for naming the violent harassment we faced.

For "centering ourselves" by naming that violence against us.

So, again, there's something meaningful in seeing that people are finally taking their violence seriously.

But it's also hard to miss *which* violence got taken seriously.

The state didn't protect us.

What it's done with these sedition charges is protect itself.

And sadly, a lot of us were punished for asking the state and/or our communities for protection when the Proud Boys came for us.

At the end of the day, I'm mostly tired.

Glad this is over, glad the state didn't give any appearance of exonorating these assholes.

But also very aware that their most hateful behavior to vulnerable people was never addressed, that it was treated as unimportant and trivial.