Pivo @Pivo@social.cleverlibre.org

Genuinely surprised people aren't calling it twexit

I don't know if anyone else gets anxious about phone calls but a little tip I've learned is: if there is a phone call that I don't want to make, before I start dialing the number, I carefully hold the phone in my hand & toss it gently into a lake. I hope this advice helps others.

Hal hadn’t survived three Thanksgivings by being stupid.

they’ll figure it out if they get hungry enough

I'm no Stephen Hawking, but I think what happens is that they cancel each other out.

YOU: I murdered someone.

YOUR DOG: I'm totally cool with that. I love you.

******************

YOU: I murdered someone.

YOUR CAT: Me too.

Although I know it will still happen, so far, I have less concern about someone here keeping me in a pit in their basement or trying to make a skin suit out of me.

If he buys a social media app for $44 billion and makes it a safe place for Nazis and fascists, he's just not that into you.

C̶h̶i̶k̶i̶n̶
C̶h̶i̶k̶k̶o̶n̶
C̶h̶e̶e̶c̶k̶a̶n̶

[Super Glue product development]

Executive: We need good packaging…
Gary from Creative: Should we make it look like eye drops?

*slow clap*

When life gives you gremlins, make gremlinade.

16 hours ago me: If I dump the clean laundry on the bed, I'll HAVE to fold it before I go to sleep

Me now: *sweeping clothes onto the floor* Wrong, you 16 hours ago bitch.

Social media has brought together people from all over the world who would have otherwise been oblivious to their differences and the hate and fear they feel about those differences, without establishing any kind of human connection that might engender compassion and empathy.

much like Darkside of the Moon with the Wizard of Oz, Nickelback's album Silver Side Up syncs up with any episode of Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives.

[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]

me: *vomits everywhere and passes out*

training supervisor: "if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you"

[waking up at 4am to go to the bathroom] This counts as cardio

A waffle is just a pancake that fell asleep on a corduroy pillow

Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states

Him: yeah?

*steals his car*

Detective: and how long has she been missing?

Me: *sobbing* 3 days

Detective: well we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like

Me: sort of I guess

I don't know much about bloatware but it sounds like a great alternative to activeware.