Pivo @Pivo@social.cleverlibre.org

every hat is a top hat. a bottom hat is a shoe

SPEECH THERAPIST: okay let’s start with the alphabet

SCOOBY DOO: ray ree ree ree ree ref ree

SPEECH THERAPIST: *into intercom* cancel all my appointments

I keep trying to compartmentalize, but then I remember that's how they built the titanic.

I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.

Now before I make this final cut on your vasectomy, I'm legally required to tell you that 1 in 25 times the penis will pop off and fly around the room going PHBHBHBHBHTH like a deflating balloon. So. You know. Fingers crossed.

I don’t know who needs to hear this. I don’t know what day it is. I don’t know what your mother wants for Christmas. I don’t know much about history. Don’t know much biology. I think you should take me to the doctor because I’m having trouble remembering my name as well.

Hello police? This restaurant gave the slowest eater their food last

A man found a goose that was shaking with cold in Montana. As he got closer he realized, wrapped up in her wings, was a puppy she was shielding from the freezing cold. We have so much to learn from animals.(The goose & the puppy recovered & were adopted together
Life With Animals

I don’t think anyone should “wear the pants” in a relationship. Wearing pants is terrible. I take them off the second I get home.

Autocorrect changed “sad music” to “dad music” and now I’m listening to Pearl Jam and smoking marijuana.

So basically no change.

Is this Parson Brown?

🎶 last Christmas, I loaned you my car, but the very next day, you gave it away… this year, to get my revenge, I’m blowing up your Tesla 🎶

boss: are you planning to work today?

me: I already did

boss: no, you have to do it all day

me: what

*phone rings*

SANTA: Hello, dear.

MRS. CLAUS: Where are you?

SANTA: Delivering gifts in, uh, Rome.

MRS. CLAUS: Oh, really? Because the NORAD Santa tracker says you've been at a titty bar in New Jersey for 3 hours.

Everybody waiting around for me to clarify where I stand on the issues is gonna be real pleased with my neck tattoo.

Me: I would like to care, but equally I don’t give a fuck, so you see my dilemma

Boss: …

Stop hating on lazy people. We didn't even do anything.

Drank two cans of Monster Energy and started my car by screaming at it