Pivo @Pivo@social.cleverlibre.org

Pro tip: If you're going to storm out of a meeting dramatically check it's not through the door to the office supplies cupboard

I’m driving around with my turn signal on without changing lanes to balance out the BMW drivers

Finally got to mute and block some people here, and it felt like home.

I know I’ve said this before, but I think this may be the one, The New Yorker!

Me: just watching Monday walk in the room

Calling in sick every Monday until they permanently cancel them.

It is late and I may be crazy or over-demanding or drunkish but my position is there are not nearly enough 24-hour cheesesteak places in the other two apartments in this house.

If you've ever wondered where the majestic velocirooster from my Avi came from, it's a painting by the wonderfully talented Jennifer Miller.

This was not a commission. I had just decided on Velocirooster for my name and when I googled it, her painting "Velocirooster mongoliensis" came up in the image results. I emailed Jennifer and asked if I could use a cropped version for my Avi if I gave her credit in the bio, and she very graciously agreed.

She's a fantastic artist with a flair for the surreal that I really appreciate. And she's a really nice person to boot, so you should definitely go to her website and buy some of her art:

https://featherdust.com/

#WildlifeArt #FantasyArt

(All images by Jennifer Miller)

Dazzle the school head lice inspector by combing glitter into your kid’s hair.

lmao killed the rofl star

“Don we now our gay apparel” just means put on your flannels and vans.

Jealous dads wish they had Jessie’s grill.

"the heart wants what the heart wants," I mutter, shoving an entire bakery directly into my chest through a funnel

This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a thin blue green layer of mold rippling across the surface of the sour cream container I left to soak in the sink two weeks ago

When God closes a door, he opens a window, then turns the light on and off three times. OCD can be so debilitating.

Solidarity to those of you who, like me, attempted ambitious Lego projects this weekend. Hope they worked out.

I hate it when a murder interrupts my vacation at a posh seaside resort in the 1920s and the bright, helpful young man I've taken into my confidence as I search for the culprit turns out to be the very killer I'm searching for.

sometimes i paint. she’s about the size of a quarter, and i love her.

just finished my fourth second bottle of wine today