Pivo @Pivo@social.cleverlibre.org

In a fascist society, people in power tend to get rid of those who can report on verifiable truth. Coincidence? I think the fuck not.

It was the classic story.

They met LinkedIn. She was on Twitter. He was on Mastodon. She got suspended and moved to Post. He changed his avi to a monkey riding a dog.

One of these days I’ll remember that even though my shampoo smells like a pina colada, it doesn’t taste like one.

I don't know who needs to hear this but *90s modem noises*

Fuzzy animal slippers are for people who want to put their foot in something's butthole but are too cowardly to find a real bear

*Writes love poems on all the toe tags in the morgue*

I hold the revolving door for people.
Usually till the police arrive.

Nice spiral ham you have there. Be a shame if someone honey baked it.

How long should you date someone before you meet their spouse?

Oh, hey there!

Astronaut (stuck in a wormhole like Winnie the Pooh, his head 180 thousand light years from his butt): Oh, bother.

M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work

I’ve learned to be kind without rewinding.

42 years on this earth and I still can't open a paper milk carton without the end result looking like I'm some dairy-fiending goblinoid.

I’d love to spend less time hungry or tired, but those are my choices apparently.

💯

not a single unhinged psycho has threatened to kill me over here. neat

[40 years from now]
grandkid: hey grandpa tell, me again about the great twitter war of 2022!
me: haha okay, one more time. “so this billionaire nerd…”

(job interview)

HR: Best trait?

Me: Honesty.

HR: Worst?

Me: I'm a horrible driver.

HR: That’s fine. It’s a desk job, but honesty is always important.

Me: I killed your parking valet.

Sorry I missed your call

I was in the 28th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me