I can't even talk openly about my trauma because it was that horrible. My family disintegrated because of something unspeakable that someone I cared about did to someone else I cared about. My parents had the gall to defend that person and blame everyone else instead, and I couldn't be part of it.

And now my family wants to reconnect. But every time I speak to them or think of them, it reminds me of all the horror and makes me want to die. This ruins every holiday season, every birthday, every fond memory. They all just make me cry and wish I was dead. I wish I could just cut all those memories out of my head, move somewhere they could never find me, and disappear forever. I want to just forget they ever existed and cut all ties. But I still care about them and can't be that cruel. And I can't forget anyway. So I go on and on suffering because of this mess.

How the hell do I heal? How do I ever find a way to feel whole again? Is it even possible?

Fucking holidays.