Something I've seen a lot lately is abusive people using pseudo-psychology to perpetuate their poor behavior, one specifically, is setting boundaries. Abusive people will often use Boundaries as a way to control people. Here's the thing with Boundaries they always get wrong:
You cannot set Boundaries for other people, only for yourself.
Real Boundaries don't involve telling other people what to do, but rather making people understand behaviors you won't accept, and the consequences of those actions.
For instance, you cannot tell someone they cannot drink, but you can tell someone if they continue to drink in a way that is affecting you negatively, you will have to leave the relationship. The difference is that you are saying what you will do, as opposed to telling them what they need to do. You cannot control other people's behavior, but you can control how you react to that behavior.
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So I cant tell someone "You cant stab me with that knife", that would be wrong. But I can tell someone "If you stab me with that knife I wont be your friend anymore"?
Im not sure I disagree, but im also not sure if this is saying anything all that useful. Maybe it is, but I do agree.
@freemo Well, if they want to stab you, you telling them not to probably won't help. The post is basically about avoiding people who won't let you set appropriate boundaries, by using faux psychological methods. You cannot control what other people do, but if they are aiming a knife at you, you should probably run away, and get help.
@RickiTarr On that we agree, if people try to control you through boundaries, that may be a red flag.
Its important however to know the difference between control and concern over self destructive behavior. It can be a fine line, and one that some people cross out of caring for another (even if it is inappropriate)
