Pivo @Pivo@social.cleverlibre.org

Boss: if you fall asleep again today, I'll fire you

Me: ok

Boss: now go and do the sheep inventory

Me: oh no

#scotland 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿😎

Whoa, I missed this part of the documentary.

Me: this is the third time I've gotten food poisoning from your taco truck

Him: sorry have a free taco

Me: hard shell please

You can have Rumplestiltskin’s spindle when you pry it from his gold thread strands

The Grinch’s only mistake was a lack of conviction to see the job through.

But WHEN though? When???

Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?

Socks so tight your brain pours out of your eye sockets like toothpaste.

ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?

HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that

it's ok, do it in two or three fell swoops, no rush

Nothing reminds me more of a vacation than a credit card bill

#dak

Mickey’s malt liquor pairs best with throwing darts.

Over the hills and far away

#smoo #photo #photography

Dumping hot sauce on my Thanksgiving leftovers just to feel something.

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here 
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

*epic kazoo solo*

interviewer: okaaaay…and any weaknesses?