Pivo @Pivo@social.cleverlibre.org

Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother

Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase

I'm going to start calling Mastodon "The Don", and none of you have the guts to stop me.

On the fence is also the wrong side of the fence.

I know some of you are weirded out by the prolific hashtag thing over here— so was I! Here’s how I learned to handle it: I almost never use them.

HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 years

BEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you

There are many legitimate reasons to track Elon Musk's flight coordinates, for example to offer him ads more relevant to his interests

The thing with these bloviating narcissists is that they expand their presence to take up all available airspace, and the media feeds into it. It happened from 2016-2020 (that bloated carcass of an ex-president), and it is happening again. I hope we can escape it to some degree on the 'Don.

Take it from me, yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese

One day, J.K. Rowling watched She's The Man, and absolutely lost her shit.

Because of a typo I accidentally enrolled my daughter in Girl SCOTUS and her troop has eliminated partisan gerrymandering

The fog machine kicks in and I emerge from my casket. The four people who attended my service groan at my bullshit. One goes to their car to get a gun.

I know that Gallagher is in hell because nobody can milk one bit for 45 years without selling their soul to satan

Christmas cards went out

If it reads like I’m advocating for violence against a specific billionaire, please understand I’m not. I want violence to happen to all of them

"We're BFFs," he says.

“Aw!” I respond and reach out to hug him, only then seeing he has bananas for fingers. One touch and now I too have bananas for fingers.

Perhaps our unease with Winnie the Pooh's pantslessness simply reflects a systemic cultural fear of gender-fluidity and body comfort.

Man, super surprising that piece of shit turned out to be a piece of shit.

Feasible.

you fucking fucker

-me, operating any household appliance

[the interview]

ME: I think you'll be very happy with my references.

*slides dictionary and thesaurus across the table*